The Scene:
GAFFE Galactic Football Experts Committee
Preliminary Conference Call
The Location:
The Nepotism Wing Conference Room,
Galaxy Del Mar 9* Luxury Hotel - São Paulo, Brazil
GAFFE Executive Secretary Miss
Backhander:
“Captain Blunder, Mr Warmer is just dialling in now.”
GAFFE Head Honcho Sapp Blunder:
“Thank-you Miss Backhander. And Salvio Pubasconi, will he be joining us?”
Miss Backhander:
“Shortly I believe. We have
managed to track him down but his secretary says he will have to cut short his
morning sauna session to join us.”
Sapp Blunder:
“How Salvio’s face doesn’t melt in that sauna with all the plastic
surgery he’s had done is beyond me. OK,
I see we have Jock coming through now on the video link. Good Morning Jock, I’m glad you took up my
offer to join the GAFFE Galactic Football Experts Committee in exchange for us
dropping the corruption charges against each other.”
Disgraced Former Americana’s Football
Head Honcho Jock Warmer:
“Hello Sapp you slimy bastard. I only agreed to this call because we
were both wasting much of our hard duped cash on those vulture lawyers in a case
where neither of us were ever going to prove anything.”
Sapp Blunder:
“Aah Jock, you haven’t changed, still as pleasant and amiable as
ever. Prove what, you say?”
Jock Warmer:
“Exactly. All those accusations
were just falsifications made by jealous civilian paupers who missed their
slice of the action. Speaking of civilians, I saw you on TV looking nice and
uncomfortable at the Opening Ceremony last night and then again watching the
referee beat Croatia on Brazil’s behalf.”
Sapp Blunder:
“Oh, the Opening Ceremony, what a drag.
And that Penne, the ex-Brazilian champion, we should get him working for
us, the appearance money he gets just for turning up and smiling. At least we made a handsome profit from the
performers and entertainers last night.”
Jock Warmer:
“How so?”
Sapp Blunder:
“Well there was such high demand from the stupid public to be part of
it, we made them bid for their places and charged them for their outfits which
we had received for free from our sponsors.”
Jock Warmer:
“Those same sponsors who had already paid you handsomely to have their company
logos tattooed directly onto the public’s retinas?”
Sapp Blunder:
“Why of course! And that referee was absolutely horrible last night. He
was supposed to give Brazil a penalty in the first half. I had put a bet on for
a 2-1 lead before half time.”
Jock Warmer:
“You’re betting on matches now?”
Sapp Blunder:
“This is what is amazing about our ‘football family’. My son’s betting agency just happened to ‘win’
the rights to be the only globally licensed agency allowed to register bets on
the tournament. And when I signed up, I got a free bet!”
Jock Warmer:
“Well the price was right. Let’s
get this Galactic Football meeting started, where is Salvio?”
Disgraced former Italian Head Honcho
Salvio Pubasconi:
“I’m-a here, I’m-a here already, I was-a listening to your conversation
in case-a you were-a talking about me. Let-a, let me turn-a on the video.”
Sapp Blunder:
“Welcome Salvio. OH SALVIO, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, CLOSE YOUR DRESSING GOWN!”
Salvio Pubasconi:
“Oh-a ha-ha, sorry sorry, I am-a trying to get-a tan all over my body,
like-a like-a that charming Obama. And at my villa, I am-a here just-a by
myself with those stronzo polizia here to watch me. I can see-a that lovely Miss-a
Backhander at the conference table. Miss-a Backhander, I’m still-a waiting for you
to come-a and visit me here at-a Villa Pubasconi.”
Miss Backhander:
“Ah yes Mr Pubasconi, I haven’t found
the time to schedule that visit in.
Captain Blunder, can we actually start the Galactic Football Experts Committee meeting?”
Sapp Blunder:
“Yes Miss Backhander, now everyone is present and Big Salvio has hidden
Little Salvio from view. I want this
meeting to be quick and to the point. Galactic football tournaments amongst the
galaxy’s planets are the future and I don’t see how we can’t just organise, control and greatly profit from them the same way we do now with world football.”
Jock Warmer:
“Do you mean conning the public along with poor, exploitable countries and
global corporations to fund everything themselves whilst forcing them to over-pay
companies that we create to build and manage the infrastructure before, during
and after the events?”
Sapp Blunder:
“All tax free of course.”
Salvio Pubasconi:
“Ha-ha, of-a course tax free Jock-a,
never forget. Then-a what are we-a waiting for?”
Sapp Blunder:
“Well, we have one minor problem. How
do we get someone to transport us to all these planets, gratis?”
Jock Warmer:
“What about Ryanair? No, no, they’ll just fly you in to some ‘nearby’
planet and expect you take a shuttle bus a few light years to the actual planet
you wanted to visit. ”
Salvio Pubasconi:
“How about that-a British man with-a big grin who likes-a balloons and
has-a never had sex?”
Sapp Blunder:
“Richard Branson, and his Virgin Rockets? Good idea Salvio.”
Jock Warmer:
“No, no, we can’t use him, he’s too legit. I know, I’ve got it! We’ll ask the Qatari’s to fly us around the
galaxy. When they bought…er won the
rights to the 2022 World Football Tournament they promised to build
weather-changing machines and air-conditioned stadiums and all sorts of
un-imaginable stuff. A space program
should be a piece of pie for them!”
Sapp Blunder:
“Great idea Jock, just superb. I’ll call our Qatari counterpart Mohamed
gin Rummy tomorrow to put it to him. Thank you everyone for your time today and
we’ll be in touch again soon as our Galactic Football project gets closer to
take off!”
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Tune in soon for The GAFFE Executive 2014 World Cup Secret Diary Extract - Part 3
