The Scene:
Pre-Opening Ceremony Discussion between GAFFE Executive Secretary Miss Backhander and GAFFE Head Honcho Sapp Blunder.
The Location:
GAFFE Tournament Control Centre, Galaxy Del Mar 9* Luxury Hotel - São Paulo, Brazil
GAFFE Executive Secretary Miss Backhander:
“Mr Blunder, Mr Blunder…before you leave the control centre
for the Opening Ceremony, how do I handle all these nasty press stories about
your leadership of World Football?”
GAFFE Head Honcho Sapp Blunder:
“Oh Miss Backhander, I thought we’d already covered this
after we formed GAFFE yesterday in the taxi following my press conference
announcing inter-planetary football. Despite still running World Football as I
wish, GAFFE and its directive is the new way forward. I don’t have time for all these trivial
issues like stadiums not being ready, the high-risk of public rioting across the country
and useless workmen inconveniently dying for the cause. That’s yesterday’s news. Even attending this ceremony is delaying my
plans to forge ahead with my project for Galactic Football.”
Miss Backhander:
“I understand Mr Blunder, but the international press and
even the footballing bodies of most nations across all continents are calling
for you to resign. I must give the GAFFE
press officer something to work with, to defend your good name.”
Sapp Blunder:
“Very well then, those press leaches don’t know when to
quit. And as for those footballing
nations, pffft, who do they think they are? Tell our press officer this, take
down the following:”
Miss Backhander:
“I’m ready Mr Blunder”
Sapp Blunder:
“World Football is no longer the most important sport we
know. As of today, Galactic Football is
the new way forward and in the coming days I will be announcing my crack
committee of Galactic Football Experts which will draw up the GAFFE mandate for
inter-planetary football. If any of you
press scum and footballing nation parasites want in, then watch this space…haha
get it Miss Backhander, watch this space!”
Miss Backhander:
“Yes very funny Mr Blunder, however I think your use of
words such as crack, scum and parasites are a little strong, possibly
offensive and even self-incriminating.”
Sapp Blunder:
“You may be right Miss Backhander, but I don’t have time for
such insignificant matters. Give that to the press officer and let him spin it. Don’t forget, he used to be the former
Italian Head Honcho, media baron, football club chief, lover, crooner and under-age
spooner Salvio Pubasconi’s public relations guru. If anybody knows how to twist a damaging negative
story in our favour, it’s him. Actually,
thinking of Salvio, can you please arrange a call with him tomorrow morning? He is just the sort of man I want on our new
GAFFE Committee.”
Miss Backhander:
“Ok, yes I will try and track him down, do you know where he
might currently be located?”
Sapp Blunder:
“Haha, not far from home somewhere in Italy I would assume,
as the last I heard he was under house arrest.
Try him at his ‘party’ villa. Also, get my old sparring partner Jock Warmer
on the phone as well; we’ll do a conference call”
Miss Backhander:
“Aern’t you and Mr Warmer currently counter-suing eachother over
corruption allegations in World Football?”
Sapp Blunder:
“Oh yes, that old legal stoush. Our claims and counter
claims that we both took millions in dodgy payments and deals over the years. How insulting, the amounts were much greater
than that! Tell him about GAFFE and that
if he wants in we’ll both have to drop the charges against each-other.”
Miss Backhander:
“OK Mr Blunder, will that be all? You need to get moving for
the Opening Ceremony.”
Sapp Blunder:
“Of course, that damn ceremony. Aaah let me see here. Yes, two quick things before I go. Firstly, can you check if Teflon is a reliable
material for use in space? It’s very
important because if it isn’t all the suits in my wardrobe will need to be
replaced, and my tailor is going to be very busy.”
Miss Backhander:
“Ok, yes I will check on the use of Teflon in space. And the second thing?”
Sapp Blunder:
“Well, this one is a little more personal, do you think you
could maybe start referring to me as Captain Blunder from now on, rather than
Mr…? You know, with our new organisation
and direction and everything?
Miss Backhander:
“Captain Blunder? I don’t really understand.”
Sapp Blunder:
“Well with our galactic thing and the planets and space and
stuff. You know like the guy on Star
Trek captaining the ship, the one who wore the tight olive shirt.”
Miss Backhander:
AWKWARD SILENCE
Sapp Blunder:
“You know, he was the hero leading the ship, and all the
girls across the galaxy fell for him, despite his moobs showing through that
shirt.”
Miss Backhander:
“Would you like me to order you a tight olive shirt Mr
Blunder?”
Sapp Blunder:
“Oh never mind, NEVER MIND.
I’ll see you in the morning if I don’t get lynched at this ceremony.”
Miss Backhander:
“Good luck Mr Blun…er Captain Blunder, I’ll see you in the
morning.”
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